Anelka “My Arsenal career was going from strength to strength until I crossed Vieira”

Posted: August 8, 2009 by arsenalaction in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Nicolas Anelka has the football world on tenter hooks with the imminent release of his audacious autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else.’ Which critics are are already labelling ’shocking’ and ‘compelling.’

The book, which details Anelka’s rise from Parisian street urchin to World Cup winner certainly pulls no punches, firing broadsides at former team mates from Real Madrid, Arsenal, Manchester City, Paris St German, Liverpool and Galatasary.

“I wasn’t accepted anywhere I went.” Says Anelka with heart breaking honesty.

In it Anelka exposes the bullying tactics employed by multi national clubs world wide and holds a mirror to the ugly face of football. Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’

However none of the targets suffer the wrath of Anelka as much as former team mate Patrick Vieira, whom Anelka describes as a ‘world class git.’

In excerpts to be serialised in the Guardian Anelka reveals:

“My career at Arsenal was going from strength to strength until the day I crossed Vieira, who was better known in the Arsenal dressing room as ‘Le Long.’ I was playing against Fulham at Highbury and I remember receiving a ball from Bergkamp, then rounding the keeper with ease and, with the goal wide open, somehow managing to screw the ball wide at the last minute. It only happened because the sun was in my eyes. It wasn’t my fault! Anyway Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’

At first he just stared at me with his hollow eyes. Then…..WHAM!

Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!”

Anelka’s book reveals how he only regained his confidence eventually playing alongside Paul Dickov at Manchester City. “He could fit it in a polo.” Anelka reveals.

However not all are sympathatic to Anelka’s plight. Diagne N’dour, Vieira’s life long agent and business partner, described Anelka’s book as a ‘disgrace.’

N’dour wrote on his website that, if anything, Anelka should be privileged that he was allowed to touch Vieira’s chopper:

“In our country it is a great honour to be shown, let alone come into contact with Patrick Vieira’s porridge chucker. Instead of painting my client as a tyrant Mr Anelka should be apologising for sullying my clients penis with his miserable, miserable face.”

Patrick Vieira is yet to comment on these accusations.

Nicolas Anelka’s book “It’s not me. It’s everyone else” is on sale August 29th from Penguin.

Credit to

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  1. blake says:

    No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates?

    how hillerious is that

    • phil says:

      If he had a 14″ c*ck, it wud be hanging out the bottom of his shorts. Therefore must be bullsh*t.

      • Dave says:

        Do you not believe in underwear?

        Most players wear right boxers / ball stranglers to keep everything in.

        If you played in loose fitting underwear everyones bits would be hanging out when they are stretching for the ball, sliding, falling over etc etc

      • Barry says:


  2. cdjones says:

    winner of funniest shit i will read today

  3. blake says:

    but how i wish viera wouldnt have done that, we wouldnt have brought adebayor and anelka would oof been a legend

  4. goonerguy says:

    No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?”

    this must prove cashley loves the cock

    oh poor cheryl

  5. gunner17 says:

    what? is it april 1st?!?


  6. gunner17 says:

    porridge chucker!!!

  7. 90percenttrue says:

    I’m glad you enjoyed the article! We posted a follow up article too…..

    • arsenalaction says:

      Top man : )

      • 90percenttrue says:

        No probs arsenalaction, although can I ask that you not put the full article up? Just a taster. I’m now getting alot of people reading my site and accusing me of stealing your article, even though you credit me at the bottom….

        It’s doing my nut in!


        The Crab

  8. Absolutely brilliant :). Really cheered me up while suffering from the first half of Arsenal vs Valencia.

  9. 90percenttrue says:

    Thank’s for the nod arsenalaction. Stay tuned for tomorrows press release on Kalou’s 23rd Birthday party.

    Should get me sued.

    The Crab

  10. Gareth26GOONER says:

    Thats put a smile on my face after that awful friendly

  11. goonerhaha says:

    mourinho must have beeen peepin…………no wonder he called wenger a voyieur

  12. Na-Sei says:

    Its Official this proves that Cashley Cole is Batty boy!!! he loves c**k!! Absolutely disgusting!

  13. Tilt says:

    Fy fan vilken skitsida! Varning för detta skräp, alla Arsenal-vänner, kvaliteten på denna sida är under all kritik.

  14. J-rock says:

    The truth is we need a dm as soon as possible…first half valencia tore into us like a pub team….I am a pro wenger but i don’t understand why he keeps on playing diaby!! diaby is one player who is so frustrating, he gets injured and when he recovers he gets back into the team emediately!! i dont like the boy for his carelessness….

  15. inno says:

    hahahhahahhaha…….i cant believe that this really happened.

  16. I’m glad we lost tonight. Maybe Wenger will accept that we need a couple of signings now. Van persies finishing was terrible.

  17. 90percenttrue says:

    Another article one and dusted if you’re interested?

  18. TommyGund says:

    This blog is the best…Thank you Arsenal action for putting this up and making my sad night

  19. nibbs says:

    No Ashley Cole in the team, No Fulham in the league and certain Tony Adams was still captain.

    Still funny piss take.

  20. Lol says:

    Why would Wenger say thats why he is captain, when Adams was the actual captain and also Ashley Cole was no were near the first team in 1998/1999.

    Was some funny shit thou.

  21. Metalhead says:

    I think Adebeyor’s performance could have been boosted with some preferential treatment by Mr Le Long.

    “Spare the rod and spoil the child”

  22. 90percenttrue says:

    I will confess guys that I wrote it in about 10 minutes, with no research or consideration for historical accuracy. The only thing I know for a fact is that I was there when Lee Dixon pulled his shorts down at the corner flag and that even though I was sat quite far away I could still make out the bulge.

    The boy was packing.

  23. Gooner77 says:

    I think has been made up guys.
    Cole was not playing us in 99 and Adams was the captain, not Viera.

  24. Mr.Choice says:

    Anelka should be ashamed of himself. How on earth did he publish such a book? I do not even know why some footballers are so childish at times.

  25. madrista says:

    hahahaha that is so funny
    anelka got turkey slapped
    haha go viera and cole

  26. Caknucklehead says:

    all I can say after last night is that we have a need for Brede!
    woeful, woeful

  27. OGC says:

    If you like an article from another site, just put a link to it. When you copy and paste the whole thing, that’s unacceptable whether you give credit or not. You’re ripping other sites off. This is called stealing content.

  28. liam says:

    Good on you Vieira lol 😛 🙂

  29. HERBERT says:

    fake! thats not rly from his ortobiogrify! hoo do u think ur fooolin? :/

  30. wehda says:

    Sad, really sad. Embarrassing too that it happened this way.

  31. Arsenal1Again says:

    Funny, until I realised it sounds like the crap written by a Spurs Fan. I underdstand the bashing of Anelka and Cole, but Arsenal fans don’t diss Paddy and Arsene like that.

    Maybe I’m having a Sunday Morning malfunction with my sense of humour, but at this moment it really doesn’t look like like anything an Arsenal fan would say about about our manager and ex-Captain.

  32. d says:

    does anyone actually believe any of that?

  33. John Lock says:

    M@T%ER F$%K..this is the funniest thing i’ve read about football in very long time..nicolas anelka should get a billion dollars for this..bloody funny..hehahahaha..le long!!! and wenger high fiving and all..hahahaha..

  34. Spurs man says:

    Finally the players themselves admitting to it!!!!
    Just what I’ve always thought. Gooners are a big bunch of faggots!

  35. Sagar says:

    is this really true?

    I find it so hard to believe (not that ashley could be batty but viera knocked people out with his schlong)

  36. GOD says:

    Would Wenger really high five and shout “And that’s why he’s the captain? I think not.
    Funny how it was cole, also a chelsea player, that seemed to stick up for him.

    It’s all about selling as many copies of the book as possible, never mind if it’s all lies or the truth.

    Readers would be better off not buying but reading the highlights in the newspapers if interested. That way you get it for pennies and save £s.

  37. well-endowed gooner says:

    My boy, you’ve done me proud. A hearty well-done from a well-endowed gooner.

  38. John Datson says:

    I… I don’t know what to say… it’s a joke article people. I mean I can understand the spurs fan being a moron but i’m dissapointed in the gooners, do any of you seriously think Patrick Viera’s agent said “In our country it is a great honour to be shown, let alone come into contact with Patrick Vieira’s porridge chucker.”???

  39. frankfishworld says:

    Most amusing. Some of you guys should look up the word satire. And I think tenterhooks is all one word.

  40. Andy says:

    Very, very funny but clearly not true whether Anelka actually said it happened or he didn’t. Fulham weren’t in the league in 98/99. In fact Anelka never played Fulham. Also Vieira as we all know wasn’t captain when Anelka was at the club. Cole clearly loves cock but again he wouldn’t have been in the changing rooms at the time as he didn’t break through into the team before 00/01.

  41. kang dwi says:

    arsenal I’TS my Favorit team

  42. adam says:

    at least if viera wants a new job.he would make a good porn star with the 14inch hot rod

  43. AdeTheGunner says:

    Brilliant mate, good on you. I’m also checking out the site ‘Crab Football’, it’s a definite visit, however, I’d suggest a few aesthetic changes. I hope we get more frequent reads. Cheers!

  44. dave says:

    too funny

  45. Edmund Simpson says:

    Nice one, son. My week has gotten off to a better start than usual thanks to this highly amusing satire.
    Makes a decent change from your usual..ermm polemics.

  46. aheralta says:

    amazing post, congratulations from spain. Regards

  47. michael vincent says:

    what a load of s**t i have heard in my life anelka is a f***ing prat and need a f***ing life

  48. raif says:

    In Your Face Bitch… IN YOUR FACCCEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!


  49. rody says:

    tHere a player that to move,

  50. mayor says:

    tooooo funny. i think this should be a movie

  51. Alec says:

    Brilliant post. Was linked to it from a Hammers forum. The only thing that bothers me is that Anelka should have sued for harassment at that time in order to substantiate his claims … oh wait, it was all made up!

    I think you need to edit some of these comments as they’re not reflecting well on gooners. Flipping funny piece. Good work.

  52. adolombou says:

    he could fit that thing in a polo! haaaa

  53. jonny says:

    its true. its longer than 14″. when i met him a few years back, he had to keep tucking it in his sock.

  54. stan says:

    omg! if vieira did that he shud get a fine I cant believe the manager gave hima high five. it just shows how wenger is destroying all the values of the club if he allowed something like this to happen. I dont blame anelka for leaving then tbh O_o

  55. 90percenttrue says:

    Just in case anyone thought his was real….

  56. funny says:

    woooooww very2 thanks to share 😛 i always came to visit ur blog

  57. […] – "It's not me. It's everyone else" Anelka “My Arsenal career was going from strength to strength until I crossed Vieira” AR… Info on Anelkas new biography. Best bit – "the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole […]

  58. Joseph Gobbels says:

    Anelka never played for Galatasaray! He played for Fenerbahce in Turkey.

  59. Guernican says:

    So this is what 5 trophyless years does to a club’s fans.

  60. Amazed says:

    I don’t know whats funnier, the Actual Article/Blog ( Quality whoever wrote It quality !!) or the Nutters and simple people who beleive the reason NA left was because He was slapped across his Mush with a 14 inch Penis !! Bad Bad Noobs !

  61. Betfair says:

    Excellent piece. There are some serious retards on here taking it seriously though, letting the side down badly

  62. Emretore says:

    Hey, he didn’t play for Galatasaray. He had played for Fenerbahçe SK. Check it from internet when you write something. Cheers…

  63. Allan Gillies says:

    Despite suffering from micropenis syndrome, I can appreciate the sheer male strenght of viera and certainly would not mess. I understand Anelka’s plight.

  64. What a cuss ; ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’
    “it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper”… That’s the funniest football anecdote I’ve ever heard! Thanks mate. X

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